


p.s. it hurts to breathe

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Poetry [30]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Asexuality, Epistolary, Free Verse, Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 13:29:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5376980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dear world,</p><p>sometimes i run.</p><p>i run not away,<br/>or to somewhere,<br/>but i run<br/>until it hurts to breathe,<br/>until my lungs burn,<br/>until my legs give out.</p><p>i feel like i have control then.</p>
            </blockquote>





	p.s. it hurts to breathe

dear world,

sometimes i run.

i run not away,  
or to somewhere,  
but i run  
until it hurts to breathe,  
until my lungs burn,  
until my legs give out.

i feel like i have control then.

.

i go to school,  
pretend like everything's fine.

the weight of the lie  
presses down on my chest,  
until it hurts to breathe,  
until i press a blade to my skin to relieve the pressure,  
until my life gives out.

.

the sun burns my skin.

the ancient people were right to fear the sun-  
sometimes the illumination burns worse than the shadows,  
every stinging prick digging at your soul.

sometimes life hurts like that,  
you know.

sometimes life _burns_.

.

you know,  
sometimes people's kindness hurts.

sometimes their efforts to 'help'  
make it harder to breathe,  
make it harder to escape the chains that bind,  
make it harder to live.

.

have you ever wondered  
what it's like to look at  
the men and women that your friends  
slobber over and not feel a thing?

they speak of things,  
of sex and sucking face and  
i just want to yell 'shut up!'

you tell me i can come out,  
but what if i don't want to have  
sex with anyone, of any gender?

what if the idea of sex makes it hurt to breathe?

.

am i an abomination?

.

sometimes i want to scream  
that being a virgin is okay,  
that not having had your first kiss by fifteen isn't something to be ashamed of,  
that romance does not equal sex.

can i wait until i find the one to have my first kiss,  
or is that something that i'll only find in romance novels?

i'm going to die alone,  
aren't i?

.

my best friend is in love.

unlike so many others,  
i won't tell him that sixteen is too young for love,  
too young for sex,  
too young for life-changing decisions.

i know all too well that life is short.

i get reminded of that everyday.

.

'asexual'.

you don't understand what that means,  
do you?

i don't quite either,  
i guess,  
but i'm trying.

.

hey,  
we're friends,  
right?

i can trust you, right?

then let me tell you a secret.

i've thought of jumping too.

i've stood on a cliff face  
and wondered what it would be like to take  
just  
one  
more  
step

you aren't alone.  
every breath i take is a fight,  
a conscious choice.

easy as breathing?  
ha.  
breathing is  _not_ easy.

-the child of your shame

p.s. it hurts to breathe.


End file.
